How do I change a behaviour I want to change when the decision to act that way feels involuntary?
All of the behaviours that most need to be changed feel involuntary. They are your compulsions, fixations, obsessions, and, most strong of all, your addictions. These are the parts of yourself that are out of control. When you hear words that you do not want to hear, for example, and you are suddenly enraged, or withdrawn, you have encountered a part of yourself that is controlled by external circumstances.
If you see an open bottle of alcohol and you cannot resist taking a drink, or you find a willing sexual partner and you cannot resist engaging in sex, you have encountered a part of yourself that is out of control. Every painful emotion, and the responses that they create in you, feels involuntary. That is because they originate in parts of your personality that are operating outside the field of your awareness. In psychology, these parts are called the “unconscious” parts of your personality although each one has its own consciousness - its own agenda, values and perceptions. They are said to be “unconscious” because you are not aware of them until they become active, and you suddenly find yourself irritated, angry, jealous, vengeful or frightened.
It is difficult to approach these parts of yourself because it is often shameful, and always painful to do so. No one likes admitting that he or she is prejudiced, for example, yet most people have parts of themselves that are. Until those parts are acknowledged and healed, prejudice will be a part of their lives, no matter how much they might detest prejudices of any kind.
The behaviours in yourself that appear to you to be involuntary are the places to start your spiritual journey. They are the flags that tell you that you have inner work to do. That inner work begins with feeling all that you are feeling the next time you encounter an involuntary behaviour. When you do, you will discover that much of what you are feeling is painful. The first step in creating authentic power in your life is to begin to experience the painful emotions that torment you without trying to make them disappear by reaching outwards to manipulate and control the circumstances around you - by shouting at someone, for example, or drinking, eating, having sex, buying something new, or any of the many ways that you have used in the past to make yourself feel better, safer, and more lovable.
As you become aware of the unconscious parts of your personality, and begin to challenge them, you will find that although their power is strong, the behaviours that they desire are not involuntary. The more you challenge them, the more they lose power over you. Eventually, their power over you disintegrates.
That is how to change an involuntary behaviour. It is also how to create authentic power.
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